Did you hear there was a break-in at the self-esteem factory, Taurus? Honestly, I think it’s a systemic issue. If something is necessary for a fulfilling life, it needs to be freely available to the public. Otherwise you end up creating criminals who would never have…hey wait a minute, Taurus, you seem to be feeling pretty good about yourself today. Is that new? I’m not saying you don’t deserve to have a strong sense of personal dignity. Listen, I’m not gonna tell anybody anything. But if you’ve got any extra we could all use a little.
GEMINI
Tom Petty had his Heartbreakers, Springsteen had The E Street Band, Old King Cole had his Fiddlers Three. Who do you call when you need a good band to back you up, Gemini? Because I think you could use some accompaniment this week. It doesn’t have to be enough to fill the stage, but if you could round up a couple of folks who could fit in a diner-booth, I think this is all gonna start to sound better. Just remember, no more than one saxophone. We kicked out last time.
CANCER
I hope it’s OK with you, Cancer, I went ahead and ordered a 6-foot party-sub for everybody to share. Honestly now I’m second-guessing the whole thing. I just remembered that Tom’s gluten-free. And then I realized Gina can’t do dairy — I guess it does have three kinds of cheese. Warren stopped eating meat in January, so he’s out. And it totally slipped my mind to say “no mayo” so I’ll probably just have chips. I’m afraid you may have to eat this whole thing by yourself, Cancer. You’re the only one who can. Take your time and start from the middle. We’re all rooting for you.
LEO
I had a coworker one time who was literally a saltwater crocodile. I’m honestly not sure how he got the job at that cafe. Our boss was always complaining that we never got the cleaning checklist done but it was hard when all he ever wanted to do was bask on the porch and wait for a customer to get close enough that he could grab them with his powerful jaws and pull them down into the water feature. I guess not everybody is good at every job, Leo. I hope you’re still in a setting that uses your talents well and appreciates the way you always finish the list.
VIRGO
Grief is strange stuff, Virgo. Just when you think it’s fading away you see a fork in the sink or catch the scent of a detergent and it all comes flooding back in. All I can tell you, Virgo, is not to fight those waves when they come. Lean in and let them carry you where they want to go. Every swell of grief is an opportunity to touch what you loved and to be honest about what you lost. Follow the feeling to the thought so you remember where the boundaries are. It’s not forever, but it’s with you now. Don’t chase it away.
LIBRA
I heard they’re sending you to space, Libra. How exciting! I think you’ll do great. Just don’t forget to wear your seatbelt, fasten the airlock, and, above all, have fun — because that’s what space is all about! While you’re up there, though, Libra would you mind taking just a moment to observe the vast emptiness of the universe and the relative insignificance of our tiny singular planet. Just for a breath try to notice that all your loved ones and all your enemies share the same unified orb and there’s no meaning except what we choose to assign to our brief lives. Also, take lots of pictures!
SCORPIO
I was making eggs this morning and one had a little speck of blood in the yolk. I’m not an expert in oomancy, Scorpio, but it did make me worry about you a little bit. It’s just that it reminded me that the world is unpredictable. You can crack 500 eggs and they’re all the same and then the 501st has something just a little off. And I know that’s not your preference. I know you’d rather just have your expectations met. But this complete breakfast was a reminder to me that sometimes you get something weirdly unexpected and you might have to pivot. If you’re feeling queasy, I’ve got frosted flakes.
SAGITTARIUS
The Stars are listening, Sagittarius. I know, they’re more famous for shining, but people forget they can hear you too. They heard what you said about your job and your car and your next door neighbor. They pick up on that subtle tone of dissatisfaction when you describe your situation as “fine.” And The Stars could change your fate, Sagittarius, but I don’t think they will. I think they want to hear your plan for a change first. Honestly, we all do.
CAPRICORN
Remember that month where every time you made a hard-left turn you would feel a clunk up through the steering wheel. And then one day you parked the car at the bowling alley and the engine just fell out into the parking space. It’s like that, Capricorn. You notice that feeling everyday just a little bit and it’s easy to ignore. But that infrequent clunk is trying to get your attention. Trying to let you know that the bolts are rusting through. And you may want to pay it some attention before it gets you stuck in one spot.
AQUARIUS
There’s a bird flying around in the laundromat. Nobody knows how he got in there. I thought maybe I could scare him out but that just upset him and now he seems exhausted and confused. I tried holding the double doors open but he just flew over behind the soda machine and he won’t come out. I think this is gonna take a little more patience and creativity than we thought, Aquarius. Go put another couple quarters in the dryer. Anything worth saving is worth all the attention you’ve got.
PISCES
I heard there was safety in numbers, Pisces, so I always carry a 7 and a 26. I keep a 12 in my glovebox and a 3 in the closet by the front door. Somehow I still don’t feel safe. Maybe there’s somebody I could talk to about it. Maybe a few people. In fact, maybe a few of us should get together and talk about what makes us feel secure. I’m feeling safer already, Pisces. We should do this once a week.
ARIES
We grew up thinking it was wrong to be angry. That anytime you felt that burning in your gut and the fire behind your eyes it was a moral failure that must be swiftly corrected. It’s not exactly anybody’s fault, Aries. It’s easy to confuse the feeling of anger for the reckless actions it sometimes leads to. But the anger is not the meanness. It’s not the lashing out. It’s just the fuel. So the next time you feel it, Aries, don’t push it away. Just pause and ask yourself, what could I use this feeling to change?
Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a registered saxophonist, or a literal saltwater crocodile. Listen to the Mr. Mysterio podcast at mrmysterio.com Or just give him a call at 707-VHS-TAN1.
