Hoboscopes: September 13, 2023

VIRGO

The leaves are turning crisp and tumbling through the air. The afternoon shadows are stretching out longer and everything I see is entering a quiet dormancy. But as much as I try to feel the fall vibes, it’s just hard when I’m this sweaty. I tried to go for a peaceful walk out here today but it’s so much hotter than it looks. Remember, Virgo, that change rarely comes all at once. It comes in bits. Don’t try to get too far out ahead. You’re exactly when you’re supposed to be.

LIBRA

What do you call your grandparents, Libra? On the Mysterio side I had “Wobbert and Moomaw” and on my mom’s side it was “Grumpaw and Kiki.” I’m not sure why we called them that, but they never seemed to mind. Out of the four of them, I got to know three pretty well and they all stayed interested in my career as an amateur astrologer and professional video rental clerk. They’re all gone now. The older I get the more I realize I still need elders in my life. People who have already been through what I’m in the middle of. What do you call yours, Libra?

SCORPIO

When you get a chance, Scorpio, could you sign the card for Libra? It’s next to the cake in the break-room. While you’re in there you should take a break. Maybe a really long one. Maybe just sign that card and then hang out until we all come in to sing Virgo happy birthday. And then just stay in there till it’s time to go. I mean, if you feel like you could use a break, I think you should make it a good one.

SAGITTARIUS

I put on my hoodie when I took the dog out this morning. It’s not really chilly enough to need it yet, but I’m ready. It’s just nice to have something warm wrapped around you. And it’s nice that it’s not too unbearably hot to have that. I hope you can allow yourself some comfort today, Sagittarius. Even if those around you don’t offer it. Wrap yourself in whatever hoodie makes you feel taken care of.

CAPRICORN

I think you zoomed past me on the parkway this morning. I could tell it was you because “Buy another Diet Coke for Capricorn” was shoe-polished on your back window along with your Venmo tag. I appreciate your willingness to accept the kindness of strangers. I know better than anybody that sometimes when you leave it up to fate, fate smiles. But this week Capricorn you may need a solution that requires some advance planning. In related news, your rear passenger tire looks suspiciously low.

AQUARIUS

Remember when we had to do that group project together for our History of Modern Futures class? It was you and me and Aries but then Aries had a family emergency and so you and me had to do all the work but Aries got credit anyway? Yeah, that’s how it is sometimes, Aquarius. Sometimes we back each other up. I know you always pull your weight and more and I know sometimes that’s hard. We appreciate what you do for us and I hope that when you need backup you’ll ask. Aries has gotten pretty good at powerpoint.

PISCES

Can’t stop won’t stop! That’s what the guy at the Dean’s Discount Brakes said when I called to check on my car. Sometimes you need to go full speed ahead, Pisces. But it doesn’t work out so well if that’s the only speed you’ve got. When’s the last time you came to a complete stop? Take a tip from me and Dean, if you only stop when you absolutely have to you may find you can’t stop when you want to. Test those brakes.

ARIES

You have to overdo it with cinnamon toast. I’ve just recently learned this. All these years I’ve been spreading the butter thin, sprinkling a little sugar and a little cinnamon and enjoying a quick snack. But if you add more of everything, Aries, more butter, more sugar, more cinnamon, it transforms into an unrivaled confection of flavor. You’ve been very sensible with all your ingredients lately. Maybe shake a little extra today.

TAURUS

I’m pretty sure I saw death waiting for the bus at the corner of 9th and Charles. In his left hand was the scythe he uses to harvest the souls of those fated for an ending. In his right hand was his phone. His hooded head bent to watch a video about a pug who sounds like Lionel Richie saying “hello.” I think I saw death’s shoulders shake with laughter as he scrolled to the next video. It reminded me, Taurus, that none of this will last forever, but if you keep sharing what you love you may be able to keep death at bay a little longer.

GEMINI

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, if you would please direct your attention to exhibit A. This is a photograph of Gemini laughing and smiling with friends. As you can see, they’re at ease and filled with a sense of community and joy. But do you see this person in the room today? I’m afraid I don’t. My client isn’t having much fun this week. And I would never ask them to perjure themselves by pretending to be. Mostly I just want them to look at this picture and remember that not every week feels like this. And there may be better ones around the corner.

CANCER

Once I applied to be a night desk clerk at a hotel. I thought it would be a quiet place to sit and read all the books I didn’t have time for during the day. I didn’t get the job. It’s probably a good thing. I think they needed somebody who could make quick on the spot decisions and meet guest needs without much backup. I don’t think they were looking for a reader. Are your current ambitions in line with your actual dreams, Cancer? Adjust as needed.

LEO

Sure, it starts innocently enough. Just a dash of cinnamon. What could it hurt, Leo? And why not add some nutmeg. Your grandmother loved nutmeg. You reach for the clove–just this once. But before you know it you’ve transformed. It’s gotten into your blood. Now it’s pumpkin spice all day every day. Some addictions are worth indulging, Leo, but maybe take a quick inventory. What do you do every day that you can’t live without? What if you tried living without it?