I went to the bank today to ask if they had any extra money lying around. They said it doesn’t work that way but that I could take a candy from the bowl on the counter. It was a little heart-shaped sucker and when I opened it, the inside of the wrapper said “I’m yours.” At first I thought it was a sweet thing for a wrapper to say, but then I thought about the nature of ownership and possession and I just couldn’t stand to keep it. I gave the sucker to the security guard and told her to “enjoy this sweet experience, but know that you don’t own it.” Come to think of it, Aquarius, that’s what I’d like to say to you.
PISCES
In times like these, Pisces, it’s good to have a nice stack of prepositions lying around. If you’re running low, you can have some of mine. Lately I like “until” and “unless” and “without” and maybe just a regular old “with.” Instead of saying “Everything is going to be terrible. Nothing is going to change. I can’t do this. Who even am I?” You could say “Everything is going to be terrible until we fix it. Nothing is going to change unless we try. I can’t do this without help. Who’s with me!” Don’t worry if you’re short on cash, Pisces. Prepositions are still free. Practice with these and I’ll go find you some more.
ARIES
You’ve heard it said, Aries, that the early bird gets certain advantages. More options. Better seats. Less competition. In short, Aries, worms. But I’ll tell you that I’ve seen early birds. I consider myself sort of an early bird watcher. And it’s not as simple as all that. Today, Aries, stay in bed a little longer if you can. Sit up and feel how your body feels. Watch your thoughts for a few extra seconds before you put your feet on the floor. Maybe tomorrow you’ll be an early bird, but today take a little longer and notice a thing or two about you. There’s another morning every day. This one’s for you. The next one’s for the worm.
TAURUS
Where is that terrible smell coming from, Taurus? I checked the kitchen trash and the sink drain and the bottom of my shoes. It’s just sort of floating at about nose-level all over the house. I tried opening the window and running the oven vent. It’s not that it’s so bad, it’s just that it’s so persistent. Oh, I know what it is, Taurus. It’s the smell of defeat. Sometimes it lingers like that. You just have to wait. Maybe go for a walk around the block. Once it dissipates you’ll be on your way to a fresh win.
GEMINI
I really am trying to focus on what you’ve been saying, Gemini, but it just occurred to me that I’m out of bubble wrap and the bubble wrap store closes at 5:00. It’ll take me at least 20 minutes to get there and it will take another 10 to pick out a fresh roll that isn’t too flat and doesn’t have too many bubbles popped. Could we come back to this conversation another time? You know what it’s like. There’s just so many delicate things that need protecting and only so much time to get them adequately protected. I can grab you a roll while I’m there. You stay here and think about the things you love the most and what you would do to make sure they’re safe.
CANCER
I wanted to tell you what the stars have to say, Cancer, but there’s simply no room on my desk. I had to move the printer over here when the old bookshelf broke and I’ve still got the box from my new headphones taking up space until I fill out the warranty card. I could move my cat-mug out of the way but I started keeping all my pens in there and if I move my pens I’ll never remember where they ended up. So I can’t really spread out enough to write out what I wanted to for you. I think it was something about prioritizing the things you want over the things you used to think you needed.
LEO
There’s a heart-shaped box full of heart-shaped chocolates over on the heart-shaped table that sits on the heart-shaped rug in the middle of the heart-shaped room. There was a heart-shaped note on top that said it was all for you, Leo. What a thoughtful gift! Wait, Leo, don’t you want it? Oh, I get it. You’re looking for something that’s shaped more like you. You’re not swayed by hearts and flowers (did I mention there were heart-shaped flowers?). You want something that really finally fits. Well, you deserve it. Do you mind if I have one of those chocolates while you list your non-negotiables? This might take a while but I think it’s worth your time.
VIRGO
My dentist put a crown on my bottom left molar. It’s a technological wonder, really. A piece of porcelain crafted by math and machine. It looks just like my old tooth and can do all the things my old tooth could do. The problem, Virgo, is that it’s a little too big. It touches the tooth below it just a tiny bit too soon. It’s really distracting and makes it hard to chew. My dentist says he’ll fix it if I come by, but it made me think of you, Virgo. It’s easy to accept something that almost fits. But I think it’s worth the extra effort to actually get things just right.
LIBRA
See, Libra, when I line up the three little purple jellies, the whole line disappears and then the green globs fall into place so I can make one of those zappy dot-balls and then I can clear the whole board! I’ve been playing this game on my phone all day and it’s really addictive. I get to solve little puzzles and if I fail the level I can just start again. But when I look up from my phone, that’s when things get tough. I start to notice how out of control the world feels and how inconsequential my actions are. So I just go back to sliding the little yellow tabs into rows of three and I feel ok again. It’s fine to have distractions, Libra. Just be aware of what you’re avoiding. Try taking in some reality every once in a while. Divine.
SCORPIO
I’ve seldom been told to hold my horses, Scorpio. I’m not frequently accused of rushing into anything. That’s why I’m so impressed with the way you’re approaching this situation at 110 miles per hour with both deadly precision and a kind of inspirational grace. I really am amazed at how well you’re pulling this off. Once you stick the landing, Scorpio, maybe stop and admire your own work before you rush headlong into your next triumph.
SAGITTARIUS
In 1993 some salt miners in Iran came across a body while working. A well preserved 2,200 year old mummified man with a beard and leather boots. 11 years later another mummy was found by workers in the same mine. By 2008 6 preserved bodies had been found. All over 2000 years old. The mine was finally closed and turned into an archeological dig. You’ve been running across a few bodies in the salt mine lately, Sagittarius. Memories that stop your work in its tracks. Instead of trying to push them aside and get back to work, maybe open up the dig-site for a while. See what else is down there. The salt can wait.
CAPRICORN
Sometimes I wonder what my cat thinks I’m doing all day. We both get up in the morning, we both eat breakfast and then I go to work and she stays home. She lays around in sunbeams and flicks little plastic toys around the house. She probably thinks I’m just around the corner chasing squirrels and running away from trucks that make loud noises. Honestly, Capricorn, she knows as much about my day as I know about yours. I’ve got guesses and assumptions, but your life is something I probably can’t even adequately imagine. It’s the same when you guess at what other people think about you. You’re probably wrong anyway. You just have to lay in the sunbeams you think are best and chase the squirrels you want to chase and not worry about all that.
Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a registered bank manager, or a certified horse-holder. Listen to the Mr. Mysterio podcast at mrmysterio.com Or just give him a call at 707-VHS-TAN1
