In the year 2525, Capricorn, if humanity has survived, I wonder if they’ll think about us much. I mean, I don’t spend a lot of time thinking about people from 1525. Well, except for maybe Michaelangelo. And I guess Martin Luther. Do you think they ever met? I bet they wouldn’t have liked each other very much. Maybe that’s what people 500 years from now will think about you and me, Capricorn. But they’re wrong. Here’s the evidence. I like you a whole lot. Don’t worry too much what the 2525ers will think of you. But do like what you like.
AQUARIUS
I’m pretty popular, Aquarius. I mean, when I pull up to the pond all the ducks run up to my car quacking. That’s cause they know that I have their best interests in mind. No stale white bread in my sedan. Just rolled oats and fresh-cut carrots for these fine waddlers. Sure, empty calories are fun, but what’s gonna keep you swimming in the marshes all day, Aquarius? That’s right. You’ve got to be the overly conscientious park visitor you wish you’d had in your life. Take in the things that will keep you feeling good and strong. Leave those crusts for the worms.
PISCES
Is there a specific point when it stops being a hole and becomes a cave, Pisces? When I started digging this on the beach I thought I would just go deep enough to bury my feet. It’s chilly out here and the water is downright frigid. But once it was up to my waist, I thought I should see if I could get up to my neck, just as a bit. Now I’m a good 30 feet down, sending buckets of sand up on a rope and I don’t think I’ll stop anytime soon. It’s a good season for excavation, Pisces. There’s not much to do but dig a little deeper. Just make sure you’ve got an exit strategy.
ARIES
What happened to the vultures that used to roost on that electrical tower in the park? It used to be full of them all winter but I haven’t seen them this year. I’m worried they got run off by the power company or the park people. It’s strange how every little change feels like such a loss lately. It would be nice if all the vultures and restaurants and people I care about could just stay put, Aries. It seems like everything changes so fast lately and it all comes with more grief than it used to. How about this, Aries, you stay put and I’ll stay put and we’ll talk about all these losses and changes until somebody tells me where the vultures went.
TAURUS
I’m sorry, Taurus, I’m having trouble focusing today. I just got such terrible sleep last night. The room was too hot and I had to kick off too many blankets which made me feel like I was gonna come undone from the bed and then my white-noise air purifier kept cycling through this vvvHHHvvmmnnn sound that I got overly tuned-in to and I kept checking my phone to see how long till my alarm would go off and then it finally did and it was just awful and now I feel out of sorts and overly emotional. Anyway, Taurus, I’m glad you’re here. You remind me that things can get better after something as simple as a good night’s sleep.
GEMINI
Bill next door is out there with his leaf blower again. I thought we finished blowing all those leaves away last month, Gemini. But wait, Robert across the street has his leafblower out too. Robert’s blowing Bill’s leaves back out of his yard. Oh no! There’s gonna be a leafblower fight! Sometimes, Gemini, when you’re trying to keep your side of the street clean you end up pushing your mess into somebody else’s space. Just remember to stay willing to cross the street when you see your neighbor is cleaning up your mistakes. In fact, I’ll give you the same advice I’d give Bill. Next time, just use a rake.
CANCER
How come nothing is open all night anymore, Cancer? It’s not very often that I’m craving pancakes and hashbrowns at 2 in the morning. But when I am, it’s pretty disappointing to discover that Hank’s Shortstack closes at 9 p.m. now. It’s probably better for me to go to bed anyway. I guess part of life is learning to pivot when disappointments arrive. But part of life is also learning to improvise a late night breakfast out of whatever you can find in your kitchen. A “Closed” sign doesn’t mean you can’t solve it yourself.
LEO
Remember last year when you said you’d always wanted to go on a helicopter ride and then I said we should do it before the end of the year and that I’d pay for the tickets? Yeah, I guess we never got around to that one, Leo. I’m sure there’s still helicopter opportunities out there, but maybe this year you should take the lead. Think about something you’ve always wanted to try. Don’t wait till December, Leo. January’s a great month to get started. And if you book something I’ll Venmo you for my share. I really will this time.
VIRGO
I ordered one of those digital cameras that you can use to look in your own ears. It’s pretty cool, I guess. I looked in my right ear and there were more hairs than I expected and a little bit of wax. And then I looked in my left ear and there was a tiny golden statue of you with an even tinier inscription that said “World’s Greatest Thinker.” I’m glad I got that camera, Virgo, because it reminded me that while you are an exceptionally good thinker, sometimes it’s good to take a break from all that. There are some things in life you shouldn’t spend too much time thinking about. Like that story I just told you.
LIBRA
There’s a cat on my shoulder and I guess it’s a mutually beneficial kind of deal. I get the benefit of purring in my ear and a warm neck. She gets the benefit of reading what I’m writing before it goes to press. When she has suggestions, they’re usually just about grammar or word choice. But when I got you Libra she whispered, “go easy.” I think she just knows that things have been hard enough for you lately without an amateur astrologer making suggestions. So I’ll just pass that on, Libra, go easy. And keep your neck warm if you can.
SCORPIO
They say life is short, Scorpio, and so is Tom Cruise. I mean, the internet says he’s 5’7, but I’m guessing he’s even shorter. I mean, if he was 5’7, he’d probably hire a publicist to convince the internet that he’s 5’9, right? What I’m getting at here, Scorpio, is that life is only as short as you say it is. Or as Tom might say, “Spending time in the present feels like an impossible mission but avoiding this moment would be risky business.” That’s a direct quote.
SAGITTARIUS
When I sent you that text earlier, Sagittarius, well I didn’t really proofread it before hit send. I think there were a few autocorrected words that I wish I’d caught. Like, when I said “yes” that I’d come over on Saturday and help you take the Christmas lights off your roof, what I’d actually typed was “I’m so sorry, I can’t do it this weekend. I’ve got my microwave cooking class.” You know how autocorrect is. Anyway, Sagittarius, good luck with the ladder. And don’t forget to read twice before you hit send.
Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a registered pit digger, or an official representative of Mr. Cruise. Listen to the Mr. Mysterio podcast at mrmysterio.com Or just give him a call at 707-VHS-TAN1
