Hoboscopes: August 16, 2023

LEO

Maybe we’re turning a corner, Leo. Maybe this is the last of the hard stuff. Maybe just over that horizon there’s another horizon. And just over that one is a place where you’ll be able to breathe and rest and think. But maybe not, Leo. And I’m pretty sure you deserve to breathe and rest and think even if the hard stuff isn’t over yet. This week, take those moments where you can get them. You’ll be ready for what’s past that next horizon.

VIRGO

What’s in your lunchbox today, Virgo? I’ve got a peanut butter and honey sandwich, some carrot-sticks, and another one of those weird sugar-free lemon bars. If I give you half of the sandwich and all the carrot-sticks, could I have one of your doughnut-wedges? Sure, a good trade benefits both parties, Virgo. But you’ve got an awful lot of doughnut-wedges. Maybe the benefit you need is knowing that by giving up your surplus, you’ve helped to end lack. Carrot sticks are pretty good, too, though.

LIBRA

I don’t like mosquitoes, Libra, but I’ve also never been a fan of smashing them. Mostly I just don’t like the idea of ending possibilities. What if the mosquito I smashed was one of the good ones. Sure, she’s having a little sip of blood right now, but later today she’s volunteering serving broccoli casserole at the old-mosquitoes home? I’m not saying you should put up with having your blood sucked. I’m just asking you to consider options besides eradication.

SCORPIO

Once again I consulted The Stars on your behalf, Scorpio. But The Stars only reminded me that after thousands of successful years, astrology has rebranded as the letter “Y.” They said that my username would stay the same, but that I would need to update my password. But since I didn’t remember my old password, The Stars said I could create a new account but I wouldn’t be able to consult anymore unless I upgraded to something called “Y+.” What I’ve learned, Scorpio, is that change is hard and sometimes it seems unnecessary. But we move with it and we grow, Scorpio. Also, do you have a Y+ invite-code?

SAGITTARIUS

Alright, so that was a number 6 combo with no onions and a large sweet tea, an order of cheesy-tots, a fudgemint shake, and extra napkins. Can I get a name for the order? Just a name we can call so you know when it’s ready? Come on, buddy. It’s not a big thing. It’s just that if you’re going to get all the good stuff that’s coming your way, it seems like you should know who you know who you are first. It doesn’t have to be permanent. Just who you are today. Sagittarius? That was my favorite aunt’s name! Your order will be up soon.

CAPRICORN

This school year is off to a great start, Capricorn! Things are really coming together. You’ve got your lunch-friends and your band-friends and your waiting-for-the-bus friends. I just hope all these new groups of friends are getting to know the real you, Capricorn. It’s not worth faking it just to fit in. It’s fine to go wide, just don’t forget to go deep too.

AQUARIUS

Am I sweating too much, Aquarius? Did you notice it when I came in? It’s just terribly humid out there and I was jogging a little bit on my way over here because by the time I parked I was 10 minutes late. And I wore this light blue shirt that always makes me look extra sweaty. This reminds me of that time I told you not to worry about what other people think. And how you said that it’s not as easy as it sounds. And then I asked you if I was sweating too much.

PISCES

Everybody squeeze in for the group photo! You should take the picture, Pisces, you’ve got the longest arm. Is everybody in the frame? Move it out just a little bit, Pisces. Just a little bit more. Wait, that’s too far. We’re all getting so tiny in the frame. Seriously. Pisces, that’s too far. How are you even holding the phone that far away? I’m just a little dot in the corner now. And now all you can see is the bending horizon of the planet earth. Your ability to back up and get perspective is astonishing, Pisces. It’s a useful skill. But in this moment, we need you closer. Looking at all our faces. Remembering who you are.

ARIES

Did you just hear somebody say “Crunch!” Aries? Oh wait that must have been this single dry leaf I just stepped on on the sidewalk. It must have fallen from one of these trees that’s gently blowing in this subtly-cooling wind. Things are starting to change around here, Aries. Little bits at a time the greens are evaporating into browns. One of these mornings it’s going to be a whole new season. I think you’ll be ready. If you start to doubt it, close your eyes and say “Crunch!”

TAURUS

I tried to get my editor to let me add a graphic of a little red circle next to your name with the number 192 in it. I thought it would give you a little jolt of anxiety, as though you had 192 unread horoscopes that you needed to deal with and then after a moment you would breathe a sigh of relief as you realized that there was only the one horoscope here and that you don’t even have to read it if you don’t want to. You certainly don’t have to respond. It’s amazing the emotional influence those little red circles with the numbers in them have, Taurus. Maybe they should have less.

GEMINI

What do you think ever happened to that pet-store box-turtle that we set free in the backyard, Gemini? Mom bought him for your birthday that summer, but he bit you when you tried to feed him lettuce. So I thought if he didn’t want to be our friend, we could just let him go outside. I did see him one more time that next year. He was crawling under our deck with your initials still nail-polished on his shell. But never after that. It’s hard to keep track, Gemini, of all the things you let go of. I guess that’s the point. But it doesn’t mean you can’t still love them a little.

CANCER

I like the part at the end of the shopping trip where I get to push my empty cart through the parking lot and into the cart-return-area and it folds in with the other carts and they form a giant multi-wheeled super monster-cart. Then the guy pushes that giant monster-cart back into the store and it’s ready for action again. It reminds me of you, Cancer, how you roll around feeling like all you need is your own four wheels and sturdy frame. But if you’ll just get in here with the rest of us we can really become something truly great.