Every morning I walk the dog around the perimeter of the backyard. She’s very old and moves pretty slow so it takes us a while. Usually I flip through bad news on my phone while we walk along the fence and I get impatient and anxious and she plods along. But lately I’ve been leaving my phone in my pocket. And lately I’ve been noticing that there’s often a deer right on the other side of the fence. And she watches us make the walk around and now we notice her back as part of our morning ritual. And I wonder what else I’ve been missing, Sagittarius. And I wonder if you might be missing some things too.
CAPRICORN
The ad in the corner of the screen has a picture of mashed potatoes underneath the words “‘Tis the season of thankfulness!” I’m not sure where the potato people get their information, Capricorn, but in my house ‘tis the season of scrolling through my news feed until I feel so anxious I can’t remember what obligation I’m avoiding. Gratitude is hard, but you can find some if you look. If you can’t find gratitude for your circumstances today, be grateful for the life of somebody you love. If you can’t find gratitude for somebody you love, be grateful for the ways you’ve protected yourself. If you can’t find gratitude for the choices that brought you here, be grateful for mashed potatoes. Start there and see what gravy of gratitude you can pour on top of it.
AQUARIUS
On my way to work today I got a fancy coffee – just as a little treat. When I got to work there was a box of doughnuts so I had a couple – just as a little treat. At lunch I remembered I had a coupon for free french fries so I added those on – just as a little treat. And at the end of my shift – just as a little treat–I took home the expired Red Vines from the display case. You deserve a little treat too, Aquarius. Not that you need an excuse to eat or drink or take a break. But I think you deserve something even better. Maybe an hour of reading a book or a walk on the trail in the park or a phone call with somebody you miss. Give yourself what you actually want. No guilt, no regret — just little treats forever.
PISCES
What’s the happiest you’ve ever been, Pisces? Maybe a single moment or maybe a time in your life. For me it was probably my 8th birthday when all my friends came over and we had an ice cream cake and somebody got me the action figure of the jetpack guy with the launchpad and the working visor. And maybe that happiness lasted an hour. And then there was something else that I wished was different or something I thought was missing. An hour is a pretty good run for happiness, but for some reason we always think we’re just around the corner from finding a happiness that lasts, Pisces. What if happiness isn’t the goal? What if the goal is having a life you’re interested in and learning to better love and understand the people around you? You can also have a piece of ice cream cake.
ARIES
I’ve been so chilly in the mornings lately, Aries. And I’ve been getting by with this old hoodie, but today I dug through the winter box in my closet and found my good jacket. It was a relief to put it on and know that I’d be protected from that crisp pre-dawn wind. I’d forgotten about the hospital visitor sticker that I still had on it from last year. There’s been so much since then, Aries, so many losses, declines, bumps, and barricades. And peeling that sticker off this jacket reminds me that those things don’t ever really stop. But I hope it’s a reminder, Aries, that it isn’t just you. And that we do have each other to stay close and block the coldest gusts of wind.
TAURUS
Are you getting taller, Taurus? I could’ve sworn we used to be the same height, but now I barely come up to your shoulder. Oh, I see now. It’s the boots. Those things must add at least six inches! How do you even walk in those? I know it’s been hard having all the right answers and nobody to take you seriously. But I wonder if looking down on the rest of us is really going to help you to be understood. Take the boots off and have a seat. I’ll make us some smoothies and maybe we can have a real conversation. But first, could you hand me that blender off the top of the fridge?
GEMINI
Yeah, Gemini, now that you mention it, I actually have done a little modeling. I was the “before” picture in the Dr. Pillow’s Full Body Cradle Fort and Sleep System ad from a couple of years back. My agent said he got a lot of feedback that I looked “too tired to be believably alive” which is what I was going for, so I’ll take that as a rave review. I’ve always thought of you more as an “after” picture model, Gemini, but I know that doesn’t mean you’ve got it all together. For instance you’ve been pushing pretty hard the last few weeks and, although we’d never know it to look at you, I think you could do with a little more rest.
CANCER
There are forces in this world, Cancer, that thrive on your attention. They drink it up like mosquitoes. It doesn’t even matter if you’re praising them or shouting your disdain. They can soak it all in and it just makes them bigger and stronger. I’m not telling you to ignore any harmful reality in this world, Cancer, but this week you might try ignoring those forces that make you want to rage at them across the internet. It might be that your rage is some of the only fuel they’ve got. And it might be that you find a new place to put your attention that feeds some joy into the world.
LEO
Want to feel old, Leo? Opossums in the wild only live for about two years. I guess, whatever your age is, divide it by two and that’s how many generations of opossums have come and gone during your time on earth. Just think of that marsupial family-tree with all the grandparents and great grandparents and great great great grandparents. They work their opossum jobs and elect their opossum leader (Currently Chancellor Bernice Snozzlefitz) and all the while, you’re just one life living in one direction, stretching across all of their opossum history. Really makes you think, Leo, that it’s not really about how old you are or how much of the yard you’ve seen, it’s just about what you do next in this short amount of time you’ve got.
VIRGO
Everything’s feeling a little frozen lately. I mean, sure, there’s the thin layer of ice on my windshield and the crunch of frost in the grass. But even before the freeze you could feel it. A slight hardening of the water that makes up most of your body. Little cracks when you straighten your knees and your elbows. There’s so much to be done, but it just feels less possible than ever to get moving. I feel frozen too, Virgo. I think what we can do today is make a big pot of soup. Far too big for one person. Take a bowl for yourself and as you start to warm up, take the rest next door. Your neighbor might be just as cold.
LIBRA
The holidays are about family, Libra. But then again, so is The Godfather Part II. Sometimes it feels like the people we came from are so different than what we’ve become. It seems dangerous to even be in the same city, much less the same room. But if I learned anything from The Godfather Part II, it’s that family members need to be able to say who they are and what they think about things. If we keep too many secrets, we end up hurting each other and, sometimes, create an international crime-ring. I guess what I’m saying, Libra, is be honest about what you need and how close you can be. And don’t let anybody tell you that you have to be in a room you know you can’t be in.
SCORPIO
I’ll tell you what I like to do with my frozen pizza, Scorpio, is I get an extra bag of shredded mozzarella and spread it on top and then add some sliced tomatoes and black pepper. It comes out of the oven all cheezy and crispy. Then, and here’s where things start to get weird, I put a little mustard on my plate and dip the pizza in it as I go. I know, I know, you were with me at first but then I lost you on the mustard. It reminds me, Scorpio, that sometimes we have different preferences on how to enjoy our lives. I believe those differences can live side by side just like pizza and mustard. Just look out for the ones who think pizza is best enjoyed with arsenic.
Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, an experienced “during” model, or just a leaf. Listen to the Mr. Mysterio podcast at mrmysterio.com Or just give him a call at 707-VHS-TAN1
