I had a dentist appointment scheduled for this week, Scorpio, but then I found this set of plastic dracula teeth and I think I might just cancel it and wear these instead. They look so clean and straight and I don’t even have to brush them, I can just rinse them in the sink a couple of times a day. But, now that you mention it, I haven’t really figured out how to eat while I’m wearing them without getting pieces of crunchwrap all over my shirt and pants and table. And, well, they do make it pretty hard to talk, but my coworkers are getting better at understanding me. Is there anything you’re substituting for the real thing that makes everything else harder, Scorpio? Maybe I’ll keep the dentist appointment just in case these don’t work out.
SAGITTARIUS
Mustard or ketchup, Sagittarius? As usual, you’ve got to order one of the two. Maybe you really love one of them and the decision is easy. Or maybe you hate one of them so much that it doesn’t matter what the other is. Maybe you just order the one that you think will do the least amount of harm to the sandwich as a whole. Or maybe you order spicy-barbecue even though you know they won’t give it to you in a hope that if enough people order spicy-barbecue they’ll add it to the menu for next time. Whatever you choose, Sagittarius, there will be people who applaud you and people who say you’re dead-wrong. All those people are your neighbors. Even if they don’t know it. Ask them if they want to share a bag of chips or need another bottle of water.
CAPRICORN
You know that videogame where the zombies are coming toward the house and you have to put things in their way to stop them. It starts out really easy with just, like, one zombie, and you put down a chair and he can’t get around it. Then there are three, and you dig a hole and build a quick fence and they’re stuck. But then there’s eight zombies. That’s when it gets real. How fast can you put down enough obstacles to protect the house? Can you block those before there’s another six? That’s how it feels sometimes, Capricorn. You stop the first few waves but the waves just keep coming. But, unlike in the game, you don’t have to do this alone, Capricorn. Take a break. Ask for help. Or just tell us how you’re doing.
AQUARIUS
I’m looking around this cemetery and, I’ve got to say, everybody’s pretty boring. “Loving Mother” “Devoted Husband” “Beloved Daughter” Don’t you think that’s all pretty uninspired, Aquarius? What about like “Daring Acrobat!” or “Undefeated Clue Champion” or “Master of the Deep Blue Sea?” Maybe I’m thinking about this all wrong, though. Because of all the cool things I could have on my tombstone, I guess the best ones wouldn’t be about me. They’d be about my relationship to the people I loved. Maybe “Lovingly Remembered” wouldn’t be so bad.
PISCES
I’ve got a scary one for you, Pisces. Go to any mirror and say your own name three times. Now look into the eyes of whomever you see. That’s you, Pisces. And that’s your name. You’ve appeared. Now you get to decide what you’ll do next. Pretty scary, huh?
ARIES
My favorite band has a residency at the big hardware and home-improvement emporium over by the highway. I’m not sure what they’re called, but they’re the giant animatronic skeletons that play boney-guitars and cauldron-drums and the lead singer wears that black-hooded robe and his eyes glow red. I’ll keep going to the shows until they go on clearance and then get replaced by some yard-reindeer. They always play the same song, and the speakers aren’t very good. But I really believe in what they’re doing. Soak-up these moments of joy where you can find them, Aries. If something makes you happy, seek it out and take it in. If you focus on the way that nothing lasts, you might miss that it’s here right now.
TAURUS
Answer quick Taurus. Cavemen from the distant past versus robots from the near future! Who wins? My first thought was that it’s the robots, since they’ve got all the tools and technology and information and whatnot. But then I realized that we are the cavemen. We’re the cavemen and we’re building the robots right now. So I’d better hope that the cavemen can win. Or that they’ll somehow get smart enough to avoid the conflict altogether. Anyway, Taurus, you’re smarter than you think you are. You’re so smart you may have designed the problem that is currently defeating you. What would a caveman do?
GEMINI
There’s a cardboard cutout of you in the grocery store, Gemini. They put it in the produce section next to the grapes. You’re pointing at the price and there’s a speech-bubble that says “Check out these grape deals!” I thought it was a pretty bad pun, too, if that’s what you’re thinking. But if you’re wondering why they picked you in the first place and why they didn’t ask, I think it’s because they honestly thought you wouldn’t mind. And I think that’s because you keep telling everybody that you don’t. And I think it would be grape if you started stating your preferences more directly.
CANCER
G.K. Chesterton once said that people who want to be active in making the world a better place face a great paradox. They must “hate it enough to change it, and yet love it enough to think it worth changing.” Do you think everybody called him “G.K.?” It probably stood for something super-british like Grantwellshire Kingsbridgerton. But I guess he hated his name enough to abbreviate it and still loved it enough to keep his initials. There’s a lesson in that somewhere, Cancer. Until we know what it is, just go on loving what you love and working to change what you don’t.
LEO
We all know the house is haunted, Leo. Nobody’s even pretending it’s not. But we have pretty different ideas about how to proceed. Some think we can simply exercise the ghosts again and hope that this time they don’t come back. Some believe that the ghosts deserve justice and that if we can find out who wronged them in life we can bring them peace. Other’s say it’s time to burn this house down. I think the first step might be to admit we don’t know all that much about hauntings. And instead of arguing about how to fix it, maybe we should start by listening to the ghosts.
VIRGO
The neighbor put a bell around her cat’s neck and now I can always hear him coming. I assume it’s the same for the squirrels and the birds that he used to love sneaking up on. It’s a little unfair to burden a cat that way, but it’s more unfair to release a non-native predator into an already fragile ecosystem. It reminds me, Virgo, that you can probably hear what’s coming, too. I know you’ve enjoyed acting surprised and snuck up on. It’s easier to have the excuses. But I think you can hear it. And I think that’s a good enough reason to do what you need to do to prepare.
LIBRA
There’s a silhouette walking down my street, Libra. I don’t hear any footsteps and I can’t make-out any defining characteristics. Just a vaguely person-shaped shadow making it’s way through the dusk. When I waved, I thought I saw an appendage move upward in response, but that may have just been a tree branch blowing across the street. It’s a good night to admit how much we don’t know. How sparse the details really are. And to notice that when we’re angry at the assumptions of others, we’re making assumptions too. When I turned around to write this, Libra, the silhouette left my Taco Bell Doordash order on my porch and walked back down the street to their silhouetted car and drove away. Five stars.
Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a undefeated Clue champion, or a registered spooky scary ghost. Listen to the Mr. Mysterio podcast at mrmysterio.com Or just give him a call at 707-VHS-TAN1
