My orange cat was a Libra. He was a sweet little chunky boy who never cared much for sitting in anybody’s lap but loved sleeping next to the dog and chasing a laser pointer across the rug. I’ll miss that guy. I think he taught me a lot about respecting boundaries. He didn’t want to be picked up, so I didn’t-much pick him up (unless he had to go to the vet). He didn’t seem to like surprise pets, so he mostly just got chin-scratches whenever he awkwardly asked for it. I think it was a friendship of mutual respect that grew into a familial love. He reminds me a little bit of you, Libra. Tell people what you like. Tell people what you don’t. Let people know what you need.
SCORPIO
Did you ever see that movie where there’s that kid who sees dead people and the kid is really scared of the dead people but then the kid gets a therapist and he starts to feel better about seeing all those dead people? Yeah, well, that exact thing happened to a friend of mine. Not really the part about the dead people, Scorpio, just the part where he got a therapist and felt like he could talk about the things he was afraid of and then they worked together to find solutions to all the scary things. If there’s stuff you’re afraid of, Scorpio, you might just need somebody to talk to about it. It doesn’t even have to be a therapist. They don’t even necessarily have to be alive. Just so long as you can tell them the truth and they have your best interest in mind.
SAGITTARIUS
It’s been too hot to buy a pumpkin, Sagittarius, but I feel it’s my responsibility as a citizen, and so I must. For my first pumpkin of the year I like to go with something about as big around as a basketball but a little taller than wide. If I can find one with a stem that hooks, that’s always nice. Kind of gives it a handle-effect. And I don’t want it too perfectly round. An indentation or flat-spot is good for a bit of wabi-sabi interest. This one should do nicely. If you’re having a hard time expressing your own preferences, Sagittarius, I’d say start by thinking through what you like in a pumpkin. Then go out and find one. And then maybe move on to telling us where you’d like to go for dinner.
CAPRICORN
I found a sticker on the ground with your picture on it, Capricorn. I didn’t realize you had your own logo, but this really is a compelling design! Are you running for office or is this a business of some kind? Or maybe you’re just trying to put yourself out there? In any case, Capricorn, I think it’s a great move. Once people find out about you, I think they’ll be really impressed. My only note, Capricorn, is that even if your face is on cars and water bottles all over town, I’m not sure everybody understands just how great you are. Take a day-off from self-marketing and spend some time letting people know you deeper down. Those kinds of relationships tend to stick.
AQUARIUS
Did you ever see that movie where there’s all those dudes who live at, like, the south pole or something and then some kind of alien shows up and starts killing them, but the alien can shape shift to look like anybody, so all the dudes are suspicious that everybody might be the alien and they don’t know who to trust? Yeah, well, that exact thing happened to a friend of mine. Not really the part with the alien, but she was on a team and the team got where they didn’t trust each other any more and it was pretty scary. If you feel like the people around you are out to get you, Aquarius, it might be a good day to express how you’re feeling. Maybe some other folks feel that way, too. Maybe you just need to get back on the same page and show a little trust. Or maybe you need a flame-thrower.
PISCES
I was looking at a map of my neighborhood and I accidentally switched it over to “street view.” But these pictures must have been done a few years ago, Pisces. I can tell it’s from when I still hadn’t fixed the bumper on my car. And before the landlord had to replace the wobbly mailbox. And when I still had that couch on the front porch. And, wait a minute, Pisces. I think that’s you and me sitting on the couch! That must have been the day you came over to bring banana bread and we laughed about how it was still shorts-weather. That reminds me, Pisces, that I’ve still got your baking pan. I guess I haven’t seen you in a while. Maybe I’ll make a pumpkin loaf and bring it over next week. Nobody I know is doing enough hanging-out anymore. Let’s bring it back.
ARIES
The witch at the drugstore lights up every time the automatic doors open. Her eyes flash and her animatronic head swivels and bobs. “I can grant your wish for a price,” she says before a cackle that ends too abruptly as the lights in her eyes shut off. I wouldn’t talk to her if I were you, Aries. Sure, she’s got the right hat and a convincing broom, but something about that deal doesn’t sit right with me. I know there are wishes you would make. There’s some things I wish were different too. But I think the way you’re getting where you’re going will only make you stronger. It’s hard, but I think it’s a price worth paying, Aries. And I think you’ll have more light in your eyes when you arrive.
TAURUS
Did you ever see that movie where the guy takes his family to live in a creepy old hotel for the winter so he can work on his book in peace but the hotel is kinda haunted and it drives him into madness while his wife and psychic kid try to escape his paranormal rage? Yeah, that exact thing happened to a friend of mine. Not really the part with the nightmarish visions and bloody elevator doors, just the part where they went on a vacation but they couldn’t stop working the whole time and they just ended up exhausted and isolated. If you can get some time away from the job, Taurus, I think it’s a good idea. But leave your computer at home. Don’t check your email or anything. Just take it as a moment to relax and maybe be around people you care about. You know what they say, “all work and no play…”
GEMINI
Nothing I planted this summer really took off, but my garden is full of volunteer marigolds and that’s all I really wanted anyway. The Aztecs believed that the musky scent of marigolds could help the spirits of the dead find their way back to visit their loved ones. And this year, Gemini, we could use all the help we can get from those absent ancestors. Even if you’re not so sure about the marigold thing, you can talk to them anyway. The ones you’ve lost who you wish were still around to give you advice are a part of you, musky scent or not.
CANCER
Summer was way too long, Cancer, but I think we’re getting through it. The thing I’m still waiting for is that first morning where it’s truly crisp outside. Not just bearable, not just cool, but a true chill in the air. The first sign that things are going to let-up if we let them. Even if that day hasn’t hit yet, Cancer, know that the status-quo has always been change. Whatever has been holding you down can’t keep this up forever. Get outside early tomorrow and see if there’s something cooler floating on the breeze.
LEO
Did you ever see that movie where all the zombies start coming up out of all the graves and they shamble around and try to bite people and if they get you, you turn into a zombie too and everybody gets cornered into one house and they can’t get along and then the zombies break through the windows and doors and almost everybody gets got? Yeah, that exact thing happened to a friend of mine. Not really the part with the undead rising from their graves, just the thing where she had to stay in a house with a bunch of people who had different ideas than her about what we should all be doing. She figured it out, though, Leo. She got a hotel up the road and just met up with everybody a couple times a day and felt like she could express herself without compromising or breaking any windows. That’s not the only way to do it, Leo, but I felt like it showed real brains.
VIRGO
Do you ever think about old-timey-times when kids in flat-caps stood on street corners and shouted “Extra! Extra! Read all about it!” while moustachioed men in bowler hats whipped past them in cars that had only been invented 3 weeks prior? Yeah, I don’t think about that much either, Virgo. But I do wonder what our brains were like when the news was all in one place instead of being so…everywhere all the time. I can read more upsetting headlines before breakfast than an industrial-age newsie would encounter in their entire lives. If you’re feeling like the world is a little too extra, Virgo, you’re allowed to take a break from the headlines. You can read all about it some other time.
Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a registered horseless carriage repairman, or a trained photo-cartographer. This one is dedicated to Tober Dwayne. You were no trouble at all. Want more? Visit mrmysterio.com Or just give him a call at 707-VHS-TAN1.
