Did you see that new list of the 25 most influential people in America? I don’t recognize anybody on this whole thing! It makes me feel so old and out of touch. Mostly just streamers and gamers and grammers and — hey, wait, is that you, Virgo? You made the list! I mean, I knew you were influential, I just didn’t realize the level you’ve been operating at. And to think, you did it all by just showing up every day for the people who depend on you and letting the people you care about most know that you care. Oh, wait, hang on. This is actually next year’s list. I guess I got an early copy. Well, you’d better get to work.
LIBRA
I’ve recently learned that this time of year is considered “harvest season.” Naturally, I went out into the fields to bring in my crops. Libra, I was shocked. There was nothing there to harvest at all. I stood in disbelief until I realized that the nearby little-league umpire who was shouting and waving his arms in the air wasn’t just yelling, he was yelling at me. “Get off the field! These kids are trying to play!” I started to explain about the missing crops and he shook his head and put a hand on my shoulder. He walked me over to the dugout and said, “Son, you’re not gonna have much of a harvest if you don’t put down any seeds. Now get out of here. These kids are getting mad and they’ve got bats.” He was right, Libra, there’s always another chance to sow something new. See you next season.
SCORPIO
Have you ever considered writing a book, Scorpio? It’s just, you’ve got so many amazing experiences and I think people might like to read about them. Here’s what you do. When you wake up tomorrow, before you start your day, roll three regular dice. This should give you a number between three and 18. Now set a timer for 30 minutes. Write something you know about your life from when you were that age. Get as specific as you can. A birthday party from when you were six? A fight with a friend when you were 15? Repeat this activity every day for as long as you can stand it. Then start adding 10 to your dice total. This gets you between ages 13 and 28. Do this daily for five years or so. Then, throw all those pages out and write your book. Sometimes you need to practice for a while before you know what your story really is.
SAGITTARIUS
I needed some extra money, so I installed one of those signs in my driveway where you have to scan a QR code and enter your license plate number to park there. ParkGobilns said I could make a little passive income while I’m at work. The problem is, every time I get home I’m either tired or in a huge rush and I forget to scan and enter my code. I now owe ParkGobilns $788 in unpaid parking tickets. The good news is, once I pay it, I get 14 percent back! I’m hoping somebody else will start parking there while I’m out so I can start chipping away at the principal. Are you paying yourself what you owe yourself, Sagittarius? Are you giving yourself the time you need? If you’re feeling behind, you can forgive that debt. You can start fresh tomorrow.
CAPRICORN
As I learned growing up, first there’s an egg. Then comes the caterpillar. The caterpillar crawls and eats and grows and eats and crawls and eats and then it makes a chrysalis. That’s where the magic happens. I always heard the story as a transformation. Lose some weight. Gain some wings. Maybe learn Spanish or Piano. But I think it’s more than that, Capricorn. I think it’s a death. The caterpillar mostly dissolves in there. And that liquid goo somehow resurrects as something completely new. “Soft and gentle as a sigh,” the sages say. But temporary, too. What can we feel but wonder and gratitude for what was, what is, and what lives on and on.
AQUARIUS
There is some evidence that the earliest humans buried their dead alongside flowers. And here we are, hundreds of thousands of years later, doing the same. Is it tradition or the collective unconscious? In any case we are an animal who craves ritual. We find ways to mark passages: weddings, graduations, births. But as we become increasingly individualistic and seemingly self-sufficient, it’s hard for many of us to identify with our families and neighbors, (much less our ancestors) in a way that allows community and ritual to come together. If you need to mark a passage in your own life, Aquarius, you don’t have to do it alone. Grab whoever is close by, find a flower or a forest or an empty parking lot and make the moment mean something.
PISCES
As the end of summer dries out and starts to blow away I always get a little melancholy. What did I do with the wet, green vibrancy that the earth was offering these past few months? I mostly avoided it indoors and complained about the heat. And now it’s like the world is saying “Maybe you can try again next year?” Sure, Pisces, nature has cycles and we’re bound to be a part of those. But the good thing about being human is you don’t have to wait till the world fills up with green again to bring your plans back to life. You can try again today, tomorrow, or whatever day you feel like. Watch the leaves start to fall and plan your own blossoming for later this afternoon. The tilt of the earth can’t tell you what to do.
ARIES
An auger is a tool for boring holes in wood, ice, or earth. It’s a helical shaft that drills inward while pushing loose material out. An augur, on the other hand, is a one who can foretell events by divining omens, particularly the habits of birds. I’ve usually tried to be an augur, Aries, but today I’m feeling more like an auger. Maybe instead of looking outward to guess what a crow’s flight-path means about the future, it’s a good day to drill inward and examine those bits of the past that rise to the surface. For me lately, those bits that I thought were anger turn out to be untilled grief. Digging in can be uncomfortable, Aries, but what comes back up may be the thing you’ve been searching the skies for.
TAURUS
I heard that Greg Griggs built a bike ramp out of the boards in front of his house but he angled the boards too high and when he jumped the ramp he was going really, really fast and it shot him up in the air so far that while he was falling the earth kept spinning underneath him and he ended up landing way out in Briarsville and his family couldn’t afford to send him a bus ticket home so his dad had to get a job in Briarsville and then his family moved to Briarsville and that’s why Greg Griggs isn’t in our class anymore. Anyway, Taurus, sometimes our brains make up stories to explain why things are the way they are and sometimes those stories aren’t even a little bit true. So when you notice you’re telling yourself a story it’s good to check and see which parts are facts and which parts you’re making up. Greg Griggs told me that.
GEMINI
What are we supposed to plant in the fall, Gemini? Carrots, maybe? Chard? Onions, I think? I can’t remember what vegetables have frost-resistance and drought resilience. But I know you’ve got some things starting to grow, Gemini. I can tell you’re just getting ready to put some ideas in the soil and go to work on feeding them and protecting them from whatever this season brings. I have a feeling you’ll be harvesting some new goodnesses before too long.
CANCER
You ever eat Pop Rocks, Cancer? When I was a kid you could just walk into a 7-11 and buy a pack of Pop Rocks and they didn’t even check your ID or anything. If those things are still around, I hope they added, like, a background check and a seven-day waiting period to the process. Candy shouldn’t explode when you eat it, Cancer. But I guess that’s just one man’s opinion. And another thing, opinions used to stay in diners and bowling alleys and the curbs outside of 7-11s. But now they go out into the world via vertical video and Substack posts and people act like they actually mean something. I think you should be telling your opinions to the people in the same room as you and using the internet for important things like finding tips on what to do if you eat too many Pop Rocks and you can see them wriggling around in your throat and chest. But, again, that’s just my opinion.
LEO
What did you bring for lunch today, Leo? Oh, really? I just saw on the news that there’s a massive national recall on that. Did you bring anything else? Hmmm. I hate to tell you, but they just put out a big warning on those too. Maybe we should just order a pizza? There’s never a recall on pizza. They bake those things at, like, 800 degrees, or something. Pizza ovens are clinically proven to zap 100% of the bad stuff. Also, they cut them in slices so they’re super-easy to share. Go ahead and put the order in and I’ll meet you in, maybe, 30 minutes? Check and see if anybody else wants to get in on this, too. I think the work day is pretty-well wrapped, Leo. Maybe just order it to your place and we can all meet up there and split a couple pies and play Monopoly or something. I think this is the safest thing we can do right now.
Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a registered bike-ramp technician, or a trained writing coach. Want more? Visit mrmysterio.com Or just give him a call at 707-VHS-TAN1.
