My check-engine light came on last Tuesday. I figured I’d take the car to my mechanic, but on Friday, it turned itself off! Great news, right, Aries? That must mean everything is fine. But then on Monday it came on again. And then it was back off by Wednesday morning. Do you think I should take it in or just wait? Maybe it’s nothing. It’s probably nothing. Am I better off not knowing? I mean, I need an oil change anyway. I could at least mention it. To be alive and in a body is to be acquainted with dread, Aries. We worry about what could happen. We fear taking this too seriously or not seriously enough. I’ll tell you what, Aries, I’ll take the car in. Whatever the story is, it’s not the end of every good thing. But it’s not the end of dread, either. We just move through this together. It’s the only way to find out what happens next.
TAURUS
Hello, 9-1-1?!? Yes, I’m at the Blistering Meadows Apartments and…yes on Fairfax and…well, the emergency? I’m not sure where to start. It’s terrible. It’s the ice cream truck…No, not exactly an accident. it’s…well, that’s just it. The ice cream truck hasn’t been here at all. Not once this year, operator…Yes, I know it’s only April. Can you please send somebody? Maybe just a couple of Klondike bars or an orange dreamsicle? Yes, thank you. Yes, I’ll hold. Oh, and Taurus, ask for what you need. You might get it.
GEMINI
Look at that sweet little cat, Gemini. He chases that little laser-pointer dot wherever I aim it. I can make him slide all around the kitchen floor. I can make him attack the chair in the corner. And then just when he thinks he’s got it — click! I turn it off and he stalks all around the living room looking for any sign of it. It’s good exercise, but I’m not sure it’s great for his mental health — chasing a spectral target he can never catch. How’s all that going for you, Gemini? Have you caught it yet? Are you still looking under the couch and across the table? Maybe take a moment to think about what you’ve been chasing. What’s an actually achievable next step?
CANCER
Have you been watching that show where they cover up the contestants eyes and ears and make them choose a future-mate based only on how they smell? I think it’s called Love Stinks? Anyway, in the second phase they have to get engaged and sniff each other’s families while they share a fragrant meal. But I keep getting distracted by the matching gold-painted cups they use in every scene. Apparently, it’s a production thing to help with continuity in editing, but it really takes me out of the moment. What constraints are you putting on yourself in your relationships, Cancer? Are you using all your senses or are you accepting artificial limitations? This is real life. You can peek.
LEO
Hey, Leo, 1994 called! They want their cynical cold-indifference to current socio-political events back! No, I’m not joking, Leo. It sounded serious. I think it’s one of those time-rift things where you have to send something into the past in order to prevent a future cataclysm. Yes, they mentioned you specifically. I think all you have to do is look around until you find something you care about. Then you find some way to affect change in your community and do it. You probably don’t even have to come up with it yourself, just find somebody already doing good work and ask how you can help. Is it OK if I call 1994 back and tell them you’re working on it?
VIRGO
I’d like to go to a baseball game with you, Virgo, but not because I particularly enjoy being outdoors in a stadium while tiny faraway men throw, catch, hit, and stare at a white dot floating across a diamond. That’s all fine, but what I really want is one of those nacho-hats. You know the ones with the chips in the brim and the cheese bowl in the center that you can eat while you wear? I’m pretty sure those hats are only available at baseball stadiums and so I’d like to go to a game with you, Virgo. Yes, you can have some nachos too. I couldn’t possibly eat all those myself. And while we’re there, Virgo, I’ll tell you about how The Stars indicate that you should spend more time out with friends taking it easy.
LIBRA
I’ll give you three guesses what “Wolf’s guenons” are, Libra. Nope. No, that’s not it either. Yikes, definitely not that! Wolf’s guenons are a kind of West African lowland monkey, named by Dr. Ludwig Wolf. I like Wolf’s guenons because they’re known to associate with bonobos, colobus monkeys, and other kinds of monkeys that live close by. They’ve figured out that having different groups living closely together in the same area can be mutually beneficial in predator detection. Anyway, Libra, if you find yourself in proximity to somebody you think of as different from you, remember that you’re not the first primate to encounter that situation. And if you see a leopard coming, maybe blow a whistle for everybody’s sake.
SCORPIO
Is it supposed to rain again today, Scorpio? I’m not complaining. I love a good soggy week in the spring. It’s just that I took my car-umbrella to work yesterday morning, but since it was sunny when I left, I forgot it. Then I walked my porch-umbrella down the street to Virgo’s house, and things dried while I was there so I left it. I haven’t seen my backyard-umbrella since last year and my work-umbrella disappeared during spring-cleaning. You see what I’m getting at, Scorpio. I’m going to have to order a 12-pack of umbrellas and surely I’ll always have one around. Preparedness is important, Scorpio. Sometimes overdoing it is the best way to cover your bases.
SAGITTARIUS
I was going through some papers and found a dollar bill you gave me, Sagittarius. Remember when you used to do that thing where you would draw on George Washington’s face to make him look like Maury Povich and then you’d make a speech bubble that said “Until next time, America?” And then the guy at Subway told us he couldn’t take the bill because “it’s a federal crime to deface currency” and he might have to report you to the FTC so we left without our sandwiches and went to Pinkberry instead? Anyway, I looked it up and the Subway guy was wrong. It’s not illegal to draw on a dollar bill. I hope you didn’t stop being creative, Sagittarius. And, even if you took a break, I hope you know you remember to start again.
CAPRICORN
We’ve talked it over, Capricorn, and we’ve decided to send you to the moon. Not immediately, of course, we’ll give you some time to prepare. Maybe next Thursday? Personally, I think this is a very exciting development for you. I think you’ll do great up there. Less gravity to worry about and all that. Before you go, Capricorn, could you please submit a list of the three people you’d like to go up there with you? We wouldn’t send you alone, of course. We aren’t monsters. Now that you have your list I’d like you to set up a meeting with each of those people. Go get coffee. Hang out. Take the day. Spend some time just appreciating each other. Wait, Capricorn, we’ve decided to send Libra instead. Still, I’d recommend you set up those meetings.
AQUARIUS
Gas prices, am I right, Aquarius? Uhhh… And what about those old phone chargers we all bought that don’t fit our phones anymore? How many of those do you have, right? I’m sorry, Aquarius, I’ve never really done stand-up comedy before. Is this working for you? I’m just trying to be relatable. Like, what about those security lines at the airport? Take forever much? Anyway, Aquarius, I hope you’ll tell us what’s going on in your life even if you’re afraid we won’t understand. Because even if we don’t really get it, we can listen and we can love you. And what about those $9 protein smoothies? Right, Aquarius?
PISCES
I’ve got a bruise on my forearm and I don’t remember what it’s from. I probably just banged it on a doorknob or counter or something but it seems like I would remember that. It’s purple and yellowy and, OWW, still pretty tender. I guess I just shouldn’t push on it like that. It reminds me, Pisces, that we’ve all got spots where we’re damaged. Sometimes we’ve got big complicated stories about how it happened. Sometimes we don’t even know. And maybe somebody knocks against your sore spots and maybe you push into theirs. And then we react. It’s hard not to. We don’t have to stay quiet about it, Pisces, but we can stay ready to forgive.
Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a trained primateologist, or a vetted member of the Federal Trade Commission. Want more? Visit mrmysterio.com Or just give him a call at 707-VHS-TAN1.
