OK, we’ll do the bad news first. No, wait, would you rather start with a little good news and then do the bad news and then the even better news? Hmmm. Come to think of it, that setup might require more good news than we actually have available. Oh, Capricorn, I’m not saying it’s particularly bad news! Don’t worry, I’m just trying to do this in the most logistically pleasant way for you. How about this, I’ll count to three, and you say what you’re afraid the bad news is at the same time as I say the actual bad news. There’s no way that the real bad news is as bad as the bad news you’re dreading! That’s the good news.
AQUARIUS
Every new year, I promise myself, The Stars, and my dentist that I’ll start flossing every day. And before I get to the fourth day of flossing, I always fail. I know the value of flossing! I know it would help my teeth last longer. I know gum health has been linked to cardiovascular fitness and decreased risk of dementia. But somehow I can’t keep it up. My mistake may be in linking this whole situation to a calendar that only resets once a year. Maybe this time I’ll take another stab at it every Wednesday. Three days of flossing a week would be way better than three every year. What’s your Wednesday resolution, Aquarius.
PISCES
By the early 1600s, England’s old forests were long chopped down. So the Royal Navy was hungry for the untouched trees of the new world. Ship masts needed to be tall and strong and straight and the forests of the colonies had plenty of those. Well, at least, for a hundred years or so. Then those were pretty well used-up too. When you’re in the middle of 100 years, it seems so long. But when you look back at those clear-cut old-growth forests, it was hardly any time at all. You’ve got enough for today, Pisces. What are you planting to make sure there’s enough for tomorrow?
ARIES
After a thorough audit of your past seven years of horoscopes, Aries, we’ve gone back and added an asterisk to the one from April 17 of 2021. Our experts at the time believed that it was best to take on your smallest fears first and then the larger ones as necessary. Current astrological thought is that the larger fears are as fine a starting place as any and may take you further. Our auditors have found that every other horoscope was entirely accurate. Hope this update helps.
TAURUS
So, it is to be a battle of wits! You select the playing field, Taurus. I’ll choose the subject matter. Do you know a lot about the Roman Empire? Trick question! There never was a Roman Empire, just a human global domination that continues to this day! But you already know that, Taurus. Where were we? Ah, yes, a battle of wits. Wait! Where are you going, Taurus? I was just getting started. It seems you’ve discovered the true path to victory when your adversary believes themself to be unbeatably clever. Just walk away.
GEMINI
I’m sorry, Gemini, you’ll have to forgive my emotional fragility. It’s just that I recently learned that asian elephants are born with six sets of teeth in their skull. Over the course of a lifetime, they wear out front teeth, which chip and fall out as teeth from the back move forward like a slow dental conveyor belt. And it made me think, Gemini, that maybe we’re trying to hold on to teeth we don’t need anymore while better teeth are just waiting to be pushed forward and take care of our new needs. Are last year’s teeth going to get you through this year’s problems? I think we’re all ready for a fresh round.
CANCER
So, same dinner as last night, Cancer? I can’t say I blame you. It’s warm and filling. It’s easy to eat while you watch TV and slowly fall asleep. But maybe tomorrow, you could try something new? I mean, maybe instead of heating up a can of soup and distracting yourself until you’re unconscious, you could heat up two cans of soup and invite somebody over. I just think the conversation would do you good. I haven’t really heard what’s going on with you this year, and I’ll bet your friends haven’t either. No pressure. You can keep it low key. But maybe text around right now and see who’s available.
LEO
Did you see that viral clip from the Guild of Unlicensed Astrology Consultants conference, Leo? I mean G.U.A.C. Con is always exciting, but it seems like things are really heating up in the leadership. Well, if you haven’t seen it, Dr. Wayne Conundra basically says out loud the thing we’ve all been thinking–that Professor Impossible isn’t even doing real astrology anymore. It’s more like brutalist-astronomy with a thin sheen of dark-mystery. It got me so riled-up at first, Leo! But then I remembered, we’re not here to let the big-names on screens fight our battles. We’re here to help the people we see every day. So I stopped watching conference videos and consulted The Stars on your behalf, Leo. They said to tell you this story.
VIRGO
This coat is kind of falling apart. The pockets have holes in them. The collar is separating at the back. The zipper always gets stuck halfway-up and I have to spend a full two minutes jiggling it before I can leave the house. But it’s warm. That’s the thing it’s for and that’s still the thing it does best. Maybe I’ll get a new one in the spring when the coats go on sale. Or maybe I’ll give this one another season. Do you have what you need to get through the time that you’re in, Virgo? Your old approach may serve you just fine, but there are other ways to take this on. And you don’t have to wait to get a new one.
LIBRA
Got a text from an unknown number that says for tax purposes the CEO of Spirit Hat has selected me to receive 18 million dollars. It was a random drawing and all I have to do to collect the money is answer the text with my social security number and bank account information. I’ll think about it. I could use the 18 million but Spirit Hat is invested in some pretty shady stuff. It makes me wonder, Libra, if there are always strings-attached. If every out-of-the-blue offer is too good to be true. Then I remember the time you texted and said you’d help me pull that giant tree branch out of my backyard and you came over and we moved the branch and ate donuts. You didn’t even ask for my routing number! Maybe we should send more texts like that and let the CEOs fend for themselves.
SCORPIO
I know, Scorpio. I saw it too. They’re bringing back your favorite hero! You were so distraught and inspired when they killed her off in that big climactic space-battle finale. You changed your bio to “Remember the Sky!” and got a wrist-tattoo of her iconic smiling-axe logo. You wrote a eulogy to post on the fan page and defended it from insincere trolls. And now she’s back! And it’s a little disappointing. They put you through all that just so they could write her back into the story for an obvious cash grab? I’ve got an idea, Scorpio. What if you make your new fandom yourself? Your heart was never for sale, you just let that franchise borrow it for a while. It taught you some things about love and grief and you can keep those, even if the new story isn’t very good. So remember the sky! And then remember yourself.
SAGITTARIUS
It used to be that when I was having a day where nothing was going right in the middle of a week where everything was going wrong, I’d think something like, “This is just the part of the story where the hero gets knocked down. This just makes it all the better when the hero wins in the end!” And if that kind of thinking helps you out, Sagittarius, feel free to use it. But lately I think life just has all those parts. And it’s not really a story. The story is just how we try to make sense of it. These days when everything’s going wrong I just say “this is how it is right now.” It’s not as inspirational, but I think it’s true.
Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a trained microwave soup chef, or a certified pachyderm orthodontist. Want more? Visit mrmysterio.com Or just give him a call at 707-VHS-TAN1.
