Yikes! What is that thing on the kitchen tile? Is it a smushed bug or a dead mouse? Oh wait, it’s just the same wet leaf from the yard that startled me twice today already. I swear, this time of year I always end up tracking those into the house. Maybe I could do a better job wiping my feet or leaving my shoes by the door. But at the very least, Libra — even if I don’t do the work to keep these out — I could pick it up and throw it away the first time I notice it. What’s the thing on the kitchen floor of your mind that keeps startling you as you walk past, Libra? What if you just picked it up?
SCORPIO
I really liked my 2nd grade teacher. She sang clues during all the spelling tests. And 5th grade was pretty good too (although I never did get all the state capitals memorized.). I don’t really remember much about 3rd grade or 4th. They must have been important. I must have learned all kinds of things that I still know. It’s all just kind of a blur, Scorpio. And I know the past few years are starting to blur together too. But I think you learned things that you’re still using. And we’re all still learning. All the way from Mongomery, Alabama to…I wanna say…Casper, Wyoming(?), nobody’s got it all figured out yet. Your education is in everything you do.
SAGITTARIUS
Have you ever seen such a beautiful sunset, Sagittarius? Every cloud outlined in electric orange while the sun submerges into a bowl of glowing pink frosting. That’s the signature of a day well spent. We should get some dinner and go to bed. It must be nearly time for…wait, what do you mean it’s only 4:30 p.m.? But I did a whole day already! If you’re feeling worn-out, Sagittarius, just take a tip from the setting sun. You don’t have to keep working just because there’s still time on the clock. Rest when you’re ready to rest. There’ll be more light to burn tomorrow.
CAPRICORN
I went to the basement to get that box that has all my hoodies and jackets and warm hats in it. I haven’t found it yet, but I have spent that last hour sorting through this box of old cords. I think this one is the charger for the light-up wristband that I lost. And these are all phone cords but, like, the old kind. And this might be the cable I’ve been looking for that plugs in the taquito-fryer I’ve never used. Sure is cold down here, Capricorn. Wish I had a jacket. If you’re feeling distracted by the detritus of past intentions, remember that you actually don’t need any of that anymore. What you do need isn’t even down here. It’s in the hall closet.
AQUARIUS
I’m trying to keep up with the times so I got a pair of those wide-leg jeans. The jeans-guy at the jeans-store said they fit me perfectly! But on the way home they kept getting caught on the brake pedal in my car (sorry to the family that wasn’t expecting an emergency stop in the middle of 4th Ave). And then I tripped over the leg on the stairwell up to my apartment. And it took me 15 minutes to put them on this morning, because I kept getting them upside down and pulling the leg hole up around my waist. Are they supposed to be this wide? Anyway, Aquarius, it’s worth trying new things. It’s also worth reassessing whether those new things are working out for you.
PISCES
Have you seen that sci-fi movie about how in the future all the TV game shows are all high-stakes battles for survival where only the strongest, fastest and smartest can stay alive long enough to win the prize of freedom? Yeah, I haven’t either, Pisces. But I always think it’s kind of weird when stories assume that human beings would rather watch people struggle, fight and flee than actually work together to make life better for each other. I see people help each other out all the time. And the people who are the best at helping are the ones who know that they have more neighbors than the people next door. Reminds me of you, Pisces. Keep it up.
ARIES
Whenever there’s a bird chirping on TV, my cat looks around the house to find it. But my cat never pays any attention to the plot of the show. I doubt she could name a single one of the characters. As far as she’s concerned, it’s a show about how sometimes there’s a bird but usually there’s not. I guess we’re all tuned-in to different parts of the story, Aries. I know it’s frustrating to feel like nobody sees it quite the way you do. But I think it’s a good thing that we have each other when there’s so much going on. And I’m not the only one who appreciates your observations. For instance…wait…did you just hear a bird?
TAURUS
I drove through Corny McDogg’s for lunch again. My combo came with a large drink, a large fries, and two tofu-dogs. That means I got four game game-pieces to play Corny’s Go-Fish game! Two pieces were “The Anchor” (I’ve already got three). One was “The Mongrel” and one was a coupon for a free small soda! That means I only need “The Mast” and “Chester Hubbins” to fill my placemat-schooner and apply for the grand prize! This is basically my retirement plan so I’ll be here every day, Taurus. What are you doing to plan for the future? I can give you this drink coupon and one of my “Anchors” to get you started.
GEMINI
Well, life goes on, Gemini. But it’s mostly microbial life. Did you know your body is currently home to about 38 trillion microbes? And that after the part of the body you think of as “you” dies, many of those microbes continue to live and even thrive as they aid in decomposition. Those microbes may then go on to other biomes. Maybe in some way they’ll remember you as they catch a ride in the digestive tract of an underground cicada nymph. Perhaps some part of you stays with the microbes you now host. You’re not just living for yourself. It’s a good reason to drink some water and go for a walk today.
CANCER
I was on the way to pick up a free microwave that I found on my community give-it-away page and I noticed a billboard I hadn’t seen before. It said “Where will you spend eternity?” It listed a couple of options but I can’t remember exactly what they were. It kind of stressed me out, Cancer, because I haven’t even decided where I’m going to spend Thanksgiving and now these billboards come along and try to get specifics on my long-term plans? But when I got to my destination Ms. Rhonda gave me a free microwave AND some cookies she just made and I helped her change the lightbulb on her front porch. As I was driving home I thought about you, Cancer, and how nice things can be when we spend our time taking care of each other.
LEO
I’m not afraid of being replaced by artificial intelligence, Leo. I mean, sure, my job may be at risk. But AI could never do what I do in my personal everyday life. For instance, today I forgot to bring my lunch so I ordered a burrito through the foodrager app, but I forgot to change the delivery address so they delivered it to my parents house which I figured out when my mom called to say one of my “friends” brought her a burrito and she loved it so much and did I make it myself? And instead of explaining everything I just said “You’re welcome, Mom! Glad you liked it.” and then bought some M&Ms from the vending machine. Could AI do that? You’re irreplaceable too, Leo. Don’t ever forget it.
VIRGO
Sounds good, Virgo, thanks! I know it’s important to reply to text messages and emails with some kind of affirmative acknowledgment of receipt. And I know I’ve probably missed a few of those with you lately. So I just wanted to let you know that that all sounds good, Virgo, and thanks for sending all that stuff. And that if you find you’ve fallen behind on those returns of recognition today, don’t worry about it. You can start again tomorrow.
Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a trained birdwatcher, or a certified jeans-guy. Want more? Visit mrmysterio.com Or just give him a call at 707-VHS-TAN1.
